I blog at http://becgetshealthy.wordpress.com/. And I post things that inspire me here.
This is my journey to get healthy, be well, keep it real, laugh too much, love too hard, live large and achieve total awesomeness.
Landslides
Not that kind. Although I do.
Like that. And actually, now that I think about it, a little like this.
Painful admission. I’ve been slipping. No huge steps backward, just little ones here and there. Skipping WW this morning because I didn’t think the scale would be kind. Skipping running today even though my hip is feeling a lot better and I totally could have. Snacking when I’m not really hungry the last few weeks.
It is a slippery slope. I can see it happening. I’m feeling less than strong. I’m feeling vulnerable. I’m nervous about my race next weekend because I’m not where I wanted to be for that.
So, I take a day off. Or two. Or five. I tell myself that I need a break. Deserve one, even. I’ve worked so hard and come so far, surely I’ve earned this. Right??
I walk the whole race instead of just seeing how much I can do and pushing myself to do a little bit more. I tell myself I’ve got this diet thing wired, I don’t need meeting and points and measuring.
And then…
… I’m right here.
Crazy sounding? Yes. Still true?
Yes. I know; I’ve been here before.
I forget sometimes that the patterns of behavior that I’ve had for years don’t go away overnight. Shit, maybe they never go away at all. Maybe I just have to learn to manage them.
To all the people who told me it was okay to take the day off, to relax, that I didn’t have to be hyper-vigilant every day - God, I love you guys. I know where what you are saying comes from. You know I tend to be too hard on myself. You know I view things in black and white. You know I actively seek approval from people to validate my choices. You know me.
But, I know me better.
I’m not ready to relax. I’m not ready to let my guard down. I know that taking breaks is important and necessary and I WILL get to the place where I’m okay with doing just that.
I’m not there yet.
If I’d woken up today and decided I felt like taking a day to not run and ease up on the restrictions I’ve put on myself for a day, that would have been one thing. But, I didn’t.
I woke up tired and mopey. I weighed myself four times to get an idea what I was going to see at Weight Watchers. It would have been up. Not a lot, less than a pound, but up nonetheless. I decided not to go. I considered running, but I am running tomorrow and blah, blah, excuse, excuse, so I curled up on the couch and took a nap.
I hate admitting stuff like this.
So, while I very much appreciate having people that love me enough to tell me it’s okay to let up on myself, just a little, I’m going to ignore their advice. Not because it’s bad advice; it’s not. It’s good advice. It’s advice that I’ll be ready for a some point. But for today, I looked inside and reminded myself of this.
<3 Bec
